You Don't Know
by Scalec
Summary: My inside look on the turmoil in the Animorphs througout the series. It probably isn't very good, but I thought it should at least be viewed. Rated T, just in case. Oneshot.


**So I wrote this out of the pure goodness of my heart...yeah right. **

**I basically wanted to analyze the inner turmoil the Animorphs felt throughout the series, and this is what I got. These notes are what each Animorph would say to the others after the war is over, and what they would say to the universe. Truly, we don't know what they went through. But maybe this will help. I might later analyze other characters, but not now.**

**You can probably figure out who is saying what, and what they're talking about. Maybe you can even catch the double meanings scattered around. But I hope you enjoy it.**

**Disclaimer: The characters of Animorphs do in no way belong to me. They are in full ownership of K.A. Applegate. If they did belong to me, I would not have killed off Rachel.**

You don't know what its like to see your friends lying on the ground, dead or dying. You don't know what its like to have the weight on your shoulders. You don't know how it feels to have the fate of others in your hands. How awful it feels when you've seen you've messed up. How you feel like crap when you put someone in danger, and you knew it. You don't know how it feels, to live day after day with a thing you're fighting against living in the thing you're fighting for. You don't know the feeling of your soul slowly slipping away, leaving you a cold and empty shell. How you break the heart of the one you love, because of letting something affect you. You don't know what its like to make your family kill each other. You don't know how it feels to leave the one you loved with no feeling at all. You don't know how it feels to lead others to death.

You don't know.

*

You don't know what its like to do it all. You don't know what its like to take care of someone you care about when they won't even help. You don't know the pain of crying yourself to sleep at night because he was falling apart. You don't know what its like to see the pain others are feeling and not somehow absorb into yourself. How you try to make others feel better, and though it works, you still feel empty. You don't know what its like to watch your best friend slowly become a zombie, just doing nothing. Watching him cave into himself like a bad pot. You don't understand how it feels to watch a thing fester and control your mother. You don't know how it feels to know that thing is responsible for the pain your father felt, and the reason the whole war started. You don't know how many times I've wished I could scream and stop it all, but going on anyways. You don't know how it feels to fail at joking away all the pain in your heart.

You don't know.

*

You don't know how it feels to lose your heart. You don't know how it feels to see your friend slip away because of those things. You don't know how it feels afterward to rampage and feel nothing when you kill something. How you're becoming a monster, ruthless and cruel. How you struggle to maintain feeling, to maintain a heart. How hard it is to watch him fly and say nothing is wrong. You don't know what its like to love someone, but the relationship strained because of normality and abnormality trying to mix. You don't know what its like to feel anger so much, then running out of the emotion and feeling so empty. You don't know how many times you've wanted to scream because they just don't get it, and because of it you don't have the happy family. You don't know how it feels to want to harm, or even kill, your cousin. How darkness taints your heart, luring you over. You don't know what it's like to be haunted by the never ending screaming… "No! No! Noooooooooo!" You don't what its like to suddenly have the voice appear again, and having his fate in your shaking hands. You don't know the conflict when the one you have sometimes felt to kill tell you to go kamikaze. You don't know what its like to want to betray.

You don't know

*

You don't know how trying it is to be the peacemaker. You don't know the overwhelming guilt that comes to you when you've done something cruel or harmful. You don't know what its like to solve the problems in the group, but have to keep your troubles to yourself. You don't know how hard it is watch them all just slip away, your friends. Friends who have become family. You don't know how it feels to not know what to do about it. How you lie in bed, thinking that your choices could kill your friends. Your resistance to the problem could cost someone their life. How it feels to put on the bright face, and never let yourself crack. You don't know the fear but acceptance when you gave yourself up, if for only one tiny bit of peace. You don't know how it feels to watch your friend and know your next move could kill him, if only by a simple mistake. You don't know how it feels to make a mistake that you thought was right, but the one you cared about never forgave you for it. You don't the pain of finding out the mistake _was_ a good decision, but your lover still never pardoning to it. How it feels to know your lover lost himself, and because of that could never be with him. How it feels to know he sent your best friend to die. How it feels to know you'd never see him again, because you were too weak. You don't know what its like to smile with no feeling.

You don't know.

*

You don't know how it feels to be useless. You don't know how it feels to be shipped from one to another person, figuring out no one wanted you. You don't know what its like to be picked on all the time. To be a dreamer whose dreams cruelly came true. To be trapped and becoming suddenly very worthless but worthy at the same time, but also knowing you did it to yourself. You don't know how it feels to give up your humanity to live, but try to grasp onto it any way possible. You don't know how it feels to love someone, but have the love be impossible. You don't know how it feels to know your father never abandoned you, but was wretched away instead. You don't know how it feels to have all the pity directed towards you, and how pathetic you feel. You don't know what its like to find out your mother was never gone, either. You don't know how it feels to be the only one of your kind. You don't know what its like to be lost and then suddenly found, then have fate come back and take the most important things away. You don't know what its like to understand your love is gone because of the move of a friend you trusted throughout it all. You don't know what its like to try to fly with dead air.

You don't know.

*

You don't know what its like to be alone. You don't know how it feels to know your family is still out there, but you can never get to them. You don't know what its like to lose a brother that you worshipped. You don't know what its like to make friends, but having the rules almost ruin it. You don't know what its like to stare at the eyes of why your brother and so many are dead, and not be able to kill it. You don't know the humiliation of it. You don't know how helpless you feel. When you watch all the things happening where you are and feeling like you will never understand it. Or how your friends want you to tell them something, but you do not know it. Even worse, when you don't tell them on purpose. The distrust that makes them shun you, hurts you, makes you feel even more alone then before. The feeling of it's your fault that this is happening. You don't know what it's like to be torn between law and friends. How it's like to know your own people have given up on your friends and their people. To realize your enemy was right about your arrogance. To see that maybe it isn't your enemies fault after all. To see that maybe your enemy isn't your enemy. You don't know how it feels to know it's your fault.

You don't know.


End file.
